You might have been here before (I know I have):
You ask or tell your toddler to do something, and instead (s)he: screams, refuses, ignores you, or does the opposite.
Sometimes it surprises you, other times it just feels frustrating, and your inclination is to threaten or enact a time out: however-many minutes alone in some spot.
If you’re asking, this is my encouragement to consider a different approach.
A time out can backfire in a few different ways by:
- punishing without actually teaching (even if we talk later about what happened, this is a separate event in your child’s mind)
- leading to desensitization
- creating a sense of isolation and shame–in my opinion, the most significant impact!
You wouldn’t be the first to wonder: What do I do instead?
It’s easy to fall back on a time out because it’s so clear cut, and in stressful moments, we’re often not in the position to formulate responses. Having a plan for an effective alternative means you can be ready to respond thoughtfully to behaviors that challenge you.
The first step is a reframe is this shift in our concept of the purpose of discipline. Maybe you’ve heard the (true) cliché that the English word discipline originates from the Latin: disciplina: to teach. I think a more useful way to think about it is from the perspective of the child: discipulus: learner, follower.
When we’re shaping our kids’ behavior, they’re learning from us: what to do next time, and maybe more importantly, what they should believe about themselves.
Once we’ve understood and begun to believe this as parents, it’s easier to ask the question: What purpose does a time out serve?
Whether we mean it to or not, it punishes, not because we want our kids to feel pain, but (we might hope) as a deterrent.
The problem is that, as above, (especially the youngest) kids aren’t yet ready to connect the negative experience with what to do next time on an intellectual level, so unless we begin to create real fear (which is nobody’s goal!), they won’t be able to take any lesson from the experience.
Aside: It does offer the chance for a break from each other during a time of high emotion, which isn’t a bad thing! It’s ok to need some space. Time away from any conflict can support a productive and peaceful resolution, but with a young child especially, it’s important to frame this as needing some time to cool off rather than an escape from your child–otherwise, this starts to feel a lot like a time out.
So begin with a pause if you need it, either together or apart. (The more quickly you can respond to the situation, the better connection for your child between the situation and what you’re hoping to teach.)
Then set a limit–which is actually just a change to the environment. This gets easier to think of in the moment as you practice, but this can be something to consider during a pause if you need to think about the best approach.
- a natural consequence (If she’s throwing food, say: if you throw your food again, mealtime will be over.) It’s key that the consequence relate to the actual need and that we don’t turn it into a dressed-up punishment.
- an interruption in the flow of activity (If he refuses to put on shoes, either verbally or through ignoring, say: we’ll go outside once your shoes are on.) You may need to repeat yourself.
- a peaceful physical boundary (If she’s hitting you, you can protect your body through your positioning or by taking a step away, along with saying: You can’t hit me.)
- session families…ask me for more ideas, and check out: this post | this post | this post
(The key is to deliver it all in a neutral tone. Your child is looking to you as a source of calm, authority, and security. Your steady presence demonstrates to him that you have things figured out and can be trusted–and that you’re still that presence even when he might be feeling out of control.)
Finally–circle back to a point of connection. This could be a hug, but it also could be a small gesture on your part to acknowledge that you’re continuing on without holding a grudge: choosing a new toy to play with together now that the other is put away, singing a favorite song, a thank you and a smile.
Something simple to remind: I love you!
I’m Jessica Brown, an AMS certified Montessori teacher, and at Clementine, we offer parent-child classes for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers…like mommy-and-me, but more. We learn and chat about topics like this one both in and out of the classroom. If you’re local to Libertyville/northern Lake County, IL and are interested in finding more about our community, I’d love to hear from you!