We all understand that children may go through periods of more and less comfort with less-familiar people–no big surprise–but in the moment, it can feel exhausting, stressful, and even embarrassing.
(First thing: distinguishing stranger anxiety from separation anxiety–which is really my jam!–we’ll talk about this related-but-distinct happening another day.)
Stranger anxiety is a typical developmental stage that many babies & toddlers experience at varying ages & strengths and for varying periods of time.
It often begins around 8-9m and can last into the third year, but of course every child is different. (My own kid experienced it from birth–only mom or dad could hold him–through ~6m, then he was comfortable around everyone as long as we were there too. So, not a one-size situation!)
Stranger anxiety tends to show up as babies become increasingly aware of who’s familiar and who isn’t, alongside a growing attachment to the people they know best. This confluence can manifest as hiding away, crying, a frightened expression, or other displays of discomfort. Depending on how your child experiences it, it can feel like a very manageable hiccup or something that makes it hard to get out and about.
I’ve been on the receiving end of–and helped parents through–all kinds of variations of stranger anxiety, and here are the things that make the biggest difference.
Have a response ready for the well-meaning: Oh, don’t be shy! that you’re sure to hear eventually. You’re letting your child know you’re on her side. Something simple like: He’s figuring out who’s who takes the edge off because it blames neither the person nor your child.
Build in plenty of time around new people. If you’re in the thick of this now, it may feel like the last thing you want to do. But the more unscary experiences your child has, the more triangulation she can do to come to the final answer that someone unfamiliar doesn’t necessarily have to feel alarming.
Respect your child’s reluctance. Pushing contact many steps beyond her comfort, however, is counterproductive. The idea is to go on with life without pressure on your child to perform politeness before he’s ready.
If your toddler hides behind your leg when you stop to talk to a neighbor, you can try placing a calming hand on his shoulder as you say, This is our neighbor, Mr. Thomas. No demand for your child to say hello–you’re modeling the conversation part, and your child is absorbing it even if he seems disconnected. Then, chat as you normally would, and when it’s time to say goodbye, involve your child: It’s time for us to go, goodbye Mr. Thomas. Your child may or may not join you that day, but someday, he will feel brave enough to try.
No need to respond with your own urgency. The idea is to communicate to your child that you consider the new person to be someone safe, which builds trust among everyone. Your demeanor is everything here: slow, calm, unbothered, and confident.
If your baby cries when someone new makes eye contact, instead of stepping away, the same calm: This is our neighbor, Mr. Thomas works to help your baby regulate. Then, respecting a little distance for her, have a quick chat with the neighbor as you normally would while securely holding your baby.
As hard as all of this can feel, I promise that it smooths out over time. (And it sometimes comes and goes, too, depending on your child’s individual temperament, transitions, and more.)
My favorite stranger anxiety story is from my first-ever group at Clementine. For the full 12ish-week session, one child wanted nothing to do with me. You know me, I’m fine with all kinds of kids’ reactions. I gently offered connection every now and then, but she wasn’t ready to engage and we didn’t push it–she had plenty of fun with her mom and dipping her toe into no-pressure moments like songs at the end of class. Then, when they came back after winter break, with nothing different at all from me, we were somehow immediate besties!
I’m Jessica Brown, an AMS certified Montessori infant-toddler teacher, and at Clementine, we offer parent-child classes for ages 0-3+…like mommy-and-me, but more. We learn and chat about topics like this one both in and out of the classroom. If you’re local to Libertyville/northern Lake County, IL and are interested in finding more about our community, I’d love to hear from you!